Sunday, May 13, 2012

To Cheer or To Be Cheered

Am I blogging to cheer myself on ---  and to give you all the opportunity to leave comments that really really really cheer me on in the fight because they show me that I am not alone and that others care?

Or am I blogging to cheer up my friends so they don't feel so bad for me? Tinalynne calls that caretaking. Heck no, that's not my goal.

Okay, so no need to post only happy easy stuff. I want to get the harder stuff out too so I can move past it.

In the moments before I can implement PACE (positive attitude changes everything), there are disappointments and worries that have to be aired, validated, and then let go of.

Like the fact that my surgeon estimates that he removed only 50% of the tumor. Half of that tumor is still in there. Expletive Deleted. Maybe it's sitting there chuckling like a monster in a dark corner of the basement.

Like the fact that the cancer got really aggressive in the last 2 months and ate a vertebrae. That is much worse than eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting, by yourself, in the dark.

Like the fact that I am diabetic and have to restrict my carb intake, so I can't even contemplate scarfing the last box of Girl Scout Thin Mints hidden in my bureau drawer at home?

Like the fact that the last two chemo drugs we tried did absolutely no good at all. What if the next one does nothing at all?

Like the fact that I have cuts and scrapes and scabs right ON MY FACE  and neck for God's sake, because of the tape they used during surgery. That kills me, especially because I definitely informed them that I am allergic to tegaderm now and that it rips my skin off. Looks like I got into a bar fight.

Like the fact that I have to share my hospital room. My roommate could be a saint and it would still stink to share this space with them.


I think that's everything.

I feel sort of giddy. It's my naturally cheerful positive attitude yelling, "My turn! My turn!"

Thank you for reading all the way to the end.

Please please please post a comment, even if it's just "Hello Karen." It will arrive as an email and make me happy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone


Doane said...

Hey sweetie hopefully you r thinking of what the surgeon left as padding or a mushroom for fairies to sleep under - nothing ominous!! Remember "The Secret". Sorry about the roommate. Keeping u in my Ts & Ps. Love ya

Doane said...

Hey sweetie hopefully you r thinking of what the surgeon left as padding or a mushroom for fairies to sleep under - nothing ominous!! Remember "The Secret". Sorry about the roommate. Keeping u in my Ts & Ps. Love ya

Aunt Peg said...

Hey Karen, you are an amazing lady, you make UB and me smile and even laugh. Cancer patients have always been so special for me to care for. God gives them....and their families.. such strength, dignity, and fortitude. I am sure God uses "cancer " families to set an example for the rest of us snivvelers, ie; wake up and smell the roses. I am so proud of you, I pray for miracles, thank God that you moved to a place where there are amazing doctors, nurses, and facilities to get the best care. And i ask every friend of ours "To keep you in their prayers!". Please keep up the good fight......let's beat those nasty cancer cells to a pulp. Will continue prayer. Love Peg & Bob

Kathy said...


I found you blog a month or so ago and have become an avid reader. My sister in law is also battling Uterine LMS. your blog has given me a better understanding on what she is going through and perhaps ways that we can help her physically and emotionally. You help me every now I will come out of my "stalker" mode.

You have the most supportive friends, family and neighbors that I have ever seen. You REALLY must be SPECIAL! Prayers, positive thoughts and lots of mojo coming from NY! I hope PT comes and gets you moving foot in front of the other...

Joanna said...

This must be scary, frustrating and painful. I so admire you--your grace under fire is so remarkable. I will be praying that the next drug works and annihilates the residual tumor.

Anonymous said...

Good going do what you need to do to make your self feel with what you have to and let the rest go...we can only help where we can but we are behind you 100% with thoughts and prayers and good wishes...gee, I would have thought in the "crazy" ward you would have private rooms but what do I know...:)I'm crazy w/o a as always you DO what YOU need to and the rest of us will follow...take care Love, Mrs. S. xxoo remember CA does not define who you are your own special go back to your reading, rest and the rest will fall into place ...:)

Carol Quast said...

Hi Karen,

Glad you got all that off your chest. :-)

And may I say Happy Mother's Day to you too because you are a friend and inspiration to many women in this world and being in their lives makes them even better moms than they could have been without you. Just know that you are loved to pieces!!! Love, Carol

Anonymous said...

Today is Mother's Day, and I am so proud to be your Mother.

I am so proud of the beautiful, strong, determined woman that you are.

Can I take credit for you? Probably not, but I do sometimes anyway.

Love ya,

Mary Beth said...

Hi Karen,
I appreciate that you post and keep us updated :). It is okay to share the disappointments and fears. Even though you don't generally say so here, I know it must all be scary and at times overwhelming. Love you much and hope you have a peaceful day. I am glad your family is with you today. Did you get your walk in yesterday?
Hope you have a good afternoon. Take care!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through all you are going through. I'm a Karen also and I think we would get along great. I pray that you heal quickly and continue to beat this nasty disease for many many more years........ big hugs Karen

Holly said...

I love your comment about PACE... and how you are pacing yourself! With you're positive attitude, keep fighting! :-)

Karen said...

No walk yesterday! I saw PT Jane today and she was very apologetic.

Tomorrow it must occur, doctors orders, so I am hopeful.

Right now I am sitting upright in chair! That's my exercise for today, hee hee

Thandi said...

Will a comment from someone in South Africa also help cheer you on/up? Blogging is about your life.And if today,your life hands you 'yucky' news,then by golly we want to know it.NO need to hide who you are.We're willing to take it all.Vent away,we won't stop reading..and cheering you on!

Karen said...

I am on cloud nine right now, so grateful for these awesome cheering words!

Anonymous said...

Hey Karen!
I just want to let you know that even people that you don't talk to often or see often are praying for you and your husband during this journey! We love you and send you big hoo-rahs!! We also wish for you both a peace-filled day.
Stan & Sandi H

Anonymous said...

Hey amazing lady & patient!! So glad you have such good staff to take care of you! Hang in there....I look forward to your humor every day....sending good vibes! xoxoxox Jane

Anonymous said...

Hello, Karen!

It was good to "hear" you gripe a little--and it was just a little, all things considered! we hope to see you at home soon; that's always good for the soul! Carol took Evelyn and me to DPAC to see Wicked for our birthdays, and we thought about you and Lou the whole time. We so enjoyed our trip there with you just a few weeks ago!

I have a great diabegic cookbook with some awesome desserts-- just say the word, and I'll make a couple for you!

Lots of thought and prayers coming your way from Linda, Carol and Evelyn!,

Tinalynne said...

I think your friend Tinalynne is so correct! HA HA No need to sheild the crap from other people, it doesn't mean you are braver. Hell you are brave just for going through all that and this beast of a disease! So nope no need to sugar coat this for anyone....if they can't handle it that is their problem. Life is ugly sometimes dammit! Wow I feel bett too. Does this help cheer you on or should I just stop! You know I love you and you rock and I can't wait to tell you all the fun conversations you and I have had over text in the last four days....decadron the legal speed! You rock keep going you rock keep going you rock keep going you rock keep going....
Love, Tinalynne

Anonymous said...

I have to say I do not feel cheered recently. That is because you are not home. Your happy face brings a joy to anyone especially me. I miss our time together every morning before starting our day. Worse of all, you are not here to make me a salmon bagel. So please hurry up and get home to cheer me up ;-)


Anonymous said...

Karen - on 9/11, satellites measured a spike in the world's energy. It happened just after the towers got hit. Greg Braden studied this and theorized that it was linked to the collective love that was being sent from our hearts all around the world. (love from the heart = Gods love!!!!). What this tells us is that all of these thoughts, all of this love, it is so real!!! It is so big!!! We are here for you no matter what, sending love and growing the energy (God's love) around You!!!!!! Amelia

Drake said...

Karen, Karen! I think of you everyday and send you love and strength to fight this stuff. You are an incredible inspiration to me! I love that I have your blog as a little icon on my iPhone. Let it all out, it definitely helps. Please let me know when I can do something for you! Sending good energy your way. Anya

Jenn said...

Just to reiterate what so many have already said, let it out when you need to. You're not here to make any of us feel better. You rock--keep it up!
Oh...but it would make me feel better if you'd hurry and feel better so you can make Lou a salmon bagel.

Anonymous said...

Happy Mother's Day to You & Bailey!!! Much Love xoxo Sharon

Georgia said...

You blog if you want to blog, you are incredible and need to know right now that I cannot think of anyone in the entire world that encourages me more than you do!
It is bloody hard and you say it. You say it with humour, or you say it how you feel it. You say it in the early hours, you say it when you're in pain and you say it when you celebrate achievements. I wish could scout over there and visit!Cheers, Georgia

Donna McPartlan said...

Hello Karen!
I was thinking of you especially the other day as I was telling a co-worker about how we used to walk 3+ miles at lunch when we worked at LKG. I really enjoyed all those walks and talks and think of you often!! Cheer and warm wishes going your way. Hang in there girlfriend!! xoxo

shauna said...

well it looks like my comment didnt get posted. ugh my darn iphone. Karen, i am cheering, i have my parents cheering and my fb friends cheering you on. you are in our thoughts and prayers. you are truly amazing mto me. your positive attitude through all of this really is an inspiration and calls us all on to be more positive. Love you lots.

Katie Grieve said...

Hi Karen!!
Katie Grieve here, Shauna's sister in Toronto. Cheering you on from the great white north!!! You are truly an inspiration!!! Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way!!! God Bless you:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Karen,
My name is Tracey and I am a FB friend of Shauna's ( also from the great white north) I just want to say that I have just read your story and I feel overwhelmed at your strength and determination! You are truly an inspiration for others. I will pray for you along this journey, and may God keep you strong. Hang in there girl!

Mary said...

Hi Karen! My mom is cancer survivor (too many types to mention) and my dog, Miss Fargo, is currently battling osteosarcoma. She had to have her "sick leg" amputated 3 weeks ago.

My observation is that cancer only hits the strong. You're strong!

Hang in there! Warm wishes heading your way!

Anonymous said...

Good morning Sweetie! Hope today is bringing you progress and encouragement. Hope you're able to go home and cheer Lou with your smiling face. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll be heading to the comfort of home very very soon.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Karen, we love you as you are--the little stuff, the big stuff, the crises and the day to day. Especially for your old friends far away, please share with us whatever you feel. You are surrounded by loving hands, holding you in the ether, and four of those hands belong to Eric and me. Love from Jeannie

Sandy said...

You should post in this blog what helps you. If that means unloading and getting thoughts out, then we're hear to listen (and to definitely support you). So have at it !

Anonymous said...

Hope you are having a goog morning.....cheering you on here in Vegas!.....Karen x

Heather said...

Hi Karen. I am so glad you got that out! Whew, then it's pressing onward and upward for you. Courage is not a good enough word to describe what magic you are wielding;)Your fantastic faith is a true inspiration to everyone. I look forward to seeing you and wish you many blessings.

Gul Ege said...

Hey Karen! Checking your blog everyday and admiring your sense of humor and how brave you are. We are sending all positive energy/thoughts/prayers your way, all the time. Let me know when you are up to a game of UNO. Gul

Anonymous said...

Hey Karen, Shauna McKenna is my niece's god mother and she invited me to say hello. I had to laugh at your blog. Every year I scarf down a box or two of Girl Guide cookies, and I convince myself I am doing it to support the girl guides. I refuse to eat them in the dark because I so enjoy the full experience of seeing that delicious chocolate. Like most men I also lie to myself about the weight I gain, as a result. My pants shrunk, this belt makes my pants too tight - the giggle when I run is just my shirt.

Keep up your sense of humour!!! Here is a bad joke:
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Ian F.

Anonymous said...

Hey Karen,
That WillPower book you lent me--they need to research you for your incredible indelible humour and courage.

Thanks for letting "it" out--we need to know so we can send good/thoughts prayers that those tumor-suckers are sucker-punched away.

Cheers and love,

Beverly Brown said...


You have an epic sense of humor. Oh my goodness, how I miss you at SAS! So glad you aired all the bad stuff so PACE has room to operate. I love and appreciate you so much. Keep writing...we'll keep cheering you on!


Shauna said...

Hey there. I have enjoyed reading the cheers today. THey were inspiring to me as well. Loved seeing some of my friends give you their love too. Have a good evening. xo Shauna

Michelle said...

Karen, I'm a friend of a friend. I'm also a leukemia nurse, so I really appreciate your Cheers! Good luck with your recovery. I'm a firm believer in a positive attitude helping with wellness and recovery. Although, a good venting session also has great therapeutic effect. ;) Hang in there! Thinking of you!!

Gail Tate said...

Karen, you are a strong, loving, amazing, and funny Lady!! Your smile & laughter always brings cheer to me! Thinking of you often. When are you coming home? Lets do Sushi Tai to celebrate your home coming! Love you, Gail (& Mo)

Karen said...

Oh, the promise of delicious Sushi Thai in my future, yum!

Cynthia said...

Hi Karen!! Katie Grieve here, Shauna's sister in Toronto. Cheering you on from the great white north!!! You are truly an inspiration!!! Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way!!! God Bless you:)

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