Sunday, May 13, 2012
To Cheer or To Be Cheered
Am I blogging to cheer myself on --- and to give you all the opportunity to leave comments that really really really cheer me on in the fight because they show me that I am not alone and that others care?
Or am I blogging to cheer up my friends so they don't feel so bad for me? Tinalynne calls that caretaking. Heck no, that's not my goal.
Okay, so no need to post only happy easy stuff. I want to get the harder stuff out too so I can move past it.
In the moments before I can implement PACE (positive attitude changes everything), there are disappointments and worries that have to be aired, validated, and then let go of.
Like the fact that my surgeon estimates that he removed only 50% of the tumor. Half of that tumor is still in there. Expletive Deleted. Maybe it's sitting there chuckling like a monster in a dark corner of the basement.
Like the fact that the cancer got really aggressive in the last 2 months and ate a vertebrae. That is much worse than eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting, by yourself, in the dark.
Like the fact that I am diabetic and have to restrict my carb intake, so I can't even contemplate scarfing the last box of Girl Scout Thin Mints hidden in my bureau drawer at home?
Like the fact that the last two chemo drugs we tried did absolutely no good at all. What if the next one does nothing at all?
Like the fact that I have cuts and scrapes and scabs right ON MY FACE and neck for God's sake, because of the tape they used during surgery. That kills me, especially because I definitely informed them that I am allergic to tegaderm now and that it rips my skin off. Looks like I got into a bar fight.
Like the fact that I have to share my hospital room. My roommate could be a saint and it would still stink to share this space with them.
I think that's everything.
I feel sort of giddy. It's my naturally cheerful positive attitude yelling, "My turn! My turn!"
Thank you for reading all the way to the end.
Please please please post a comment, even if it's just "Hello Karen." It will arrive as an email and make me happy.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone