Saturday, August 20, 2011

Test My Calm

Realizing and then talking about being angry really helped a lot. At first, I felt even more angry and hurt, but eventually all those feelings started fading away.

At some point during the process, I wondered who or what I could to direct this anger toward. Anger requires a target. But nobody knows what causes leiomyosarcoma, so it's not like I can be mad at myself or the cigarette companies like a smoker with lung cancer.

I have felt a rush of anger toward my oncologist when he has reiterated that I cannot have surgery, but being hostile is not conducive to a healthy partnership! And I do want him to be my partner in keeping Karen alive and kicking.

It struck me that the only good target is the cancer itself. So I pictured myself punching a tumor in the nose. I liked that.

Enough about anger! I am feeling very calm and neutral today. Perhaps I ought to go back to that coffee shop this afternoon to test my neutrality. 
Will I get upset with the barista again? I think not. I am flooded with feelings of "Live and let live."

I think it helped that there is alot going on right now at work and at home. I have a lot of distractions.

Sir Wilbur got me hooked on Words With Friends on my super new android phone. It's an app that lets you play scrabble online. I actually sort of stink at scrabble, which seems impossible since I am a writer. I still smart years after a game against Lisa Bender who positively killed me with her triple word scores and two letter words.

Also, Lou and I were toying with the idea of having the our friends' teenager come live with us for a few weeks as a sort of cooling off period for Mom and Dad. That fell through, but it was interesting to think about. What kind of ground rules would you set if you had that opportunity? Lou and I were emailing some good ones back and forth... it's probably a good thing the guy in the next office was on vacation, because I burst out laughing a few times on Friday.

3 comments:

Doane said...

YAY!! You're back. Anger does rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. Hang in there. Good luck on the 24th

love ya

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I cannot not imagine you being rude to anyone but yes, sometimes we reach our limit of being nice...so hang in there and do what ya' gotta do...love to all...Mrs. S. xxoo

Anonymous said...

Rules for teenagers...have a BIG party when your parents are away..oh wait a minute that was our kids...Mrs. S. xxoo