Sunday, December 12, 2010

Meltdown Last Thursday

On Thursday night, I had a meltdown.

You can imagine what I was feeling. I am human, after all.

I really do not want to have cancer, especially such a nasty kind. I'm bummed that we have not been able to get rid of it, despite all the chemo I've had. 

It bothers me that I would hardly even know I have cancer except for all the trouble that the chemo and radiation have caused, like part of my left leg is numb, I don't know that I have to pee till I really really have to pee right now, both feet are sort of numb, my toenails are freaky looking, I am still close to bald, and so on.

Every time I feel an ache or a twinge, my first thought is that it is the cancer. Every time we plan a vacation, I wonder if I'll be able to go. Every time I hear someone say that God does not give you more than you can handle, I get ticked off.

And my "good news" from last week -- that only one tumor grew -- didn't seem all that good on Thursday night. Who cares if only one tumor grew?  None of them shrank.  None of them disappeared forever.

So on Thursday night, I sat on the couch with Lou and cried all over him.  (He really is the best husband in the world.) 

Afterward I felt a lot better.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. Accepting that I have cancer doesn't mean that I like it.  It just means that I realize how fruitless and unpleasant my life would be if I spent all my time railing against this fact of my life.  So, except for the occasional meltdown, I maintain a pretty good attitude. I focus on the positive, and try to have a good time.

This whole weekend, I have been feeling great.  My good news from last week is good news again. I'm looking forward to another awesome two months without chemo. I'm reading When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dr. James Dobson, and I just finished re-reading The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis.

Ooooh, and I am looking forward to talking AHCC and revving up my natural killer cells.

1 comment:

Alli said...

Oh my dear I can't tell you how many times I have had a meldown, the tears the fears uncertainty. Every time you get an ache or pain your imagination goes nuts!! You start thinking it's here it's there. And you do become afraid. I know you are so afraid to feel calm or happy because we wait for the bad to come first. Lean on your hubby good that he's there for you. I just saw your blog tonight and I will be following....
Take Care