Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Happy Birthday Karen

Today, March 27, Karen would have been 48 years old.

It has been 7 and a half months since Karen's passing.  I still miss her so very much.  After 20 years of marriage - two thirds of my adult life - I am without memories that do not include Karen.  How does one converse without mentioning a diseased spouse when that spouse occupied so much of one's life.  I find myself trying not to use her name when speaking of past events.  Then I wonder why I bother.  This is very strange.  In a way I think I should stop using her name in order for me to finish the recovery process.  In another way, I don't want to stop using her name because she filled me with joy and happiness.  Who can ever forget that smile, laugh, and witty humor.

I realized last fall that I will never forget Karen.  She will never leave my thoughts.  We had such a wonderful marriage that there is no way I can ever stop thinking of her.

I am struggling to look forward when so much of my past is now gone.  My wonderful wife, pets we loved, and activities we did together are all gone.  All I have are hollow memories.  Karen is gone.  Long time friends are far away.  Even friends of many years have terminated their friendship.  This is odd when you need your friends more now than ever.  Well, guess that says something about who they are.

So I sit here today struggling to look forward with my new bride.  Yes I have remarried to a wonderful loving lady.  Carol and I got married on a cruise ship on Tuesday February 26, 2013.  I look forward to many happy years together as I reconcile the past.

Happy birthday Karen.  I will always think of you.


Anonymous said...

Wow Lou--All I can say is that you are awesome and I loved the way you expressed your feelings here. It is so important to let these complicated feelings you don't internalize and become crazy! :) I can completely relate and sympathize (but I also know this does not help much)! I recall too well how grief can just be so weird and how it can rip you apart. You are doing so well and you are such a wonderful person. You were so wonderful to Karen and you both were so lucky you had what you had. However, life is what it is, and I believe you have and continue to make the most of the "card" you were dealt. Continue to plod forward and make the most of what you have. Hold your head high, you have every reason to. I am sure Karen would be so pleased with how well you are doing. Happy Birthday to Karen, and love to you and Carol as you move forward with Karen in both your hearts...and in all of our hearts. Anya

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Thandi said...

Wishing you a 'happy' marriage. I hope your grief will not blind you and your new bride to the joys of finding love again.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lou!! Gosh I can't believe I missed Karen's birthday I was thinking about her all month and thinking about you too. I just posted a Happy Birthday miss you and love you to her on Facebook. I was so blessed to have her in my life and I loved your posting on Cheer Me On, beautiful and from the heart and such a wonderful tribute to Karen and the marriage you shared. She was such a beautiful friend, wife, daughter, friend to so many and will be missed and remembered forever. But I am so happy for you that you and Carol have fallen in love and are building a life together which I know without a doubt Karen is just as happy for the two of you from heaven!!! The pictures you have posted of your wedding on Ross Ranch are wonderful, you are a totally lovely couple, and Jim and I wish the two of you a long and loving life together. Love you lots and God Bless, Debbie P.

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Anonymous said...

Lou, we dont know each other but I worked with Karen remotely for a few years. We never met in person but, man, did I love her. She was fantastic.
I haven't been to the blog in a while but i saw it in my bookmarks and came to check it out and saw your lovely post.

I wanted to say -- I don't know -- that what you are going through is normal and your friends freaking out on you is normal and, no, of course you won't ever forget Karen and you shouldn't and you don't have to and you don't need to compare her to your new wife because it's not a competition and it's all OK. Maybe you don't need to hear that from me. Heck, you have no idea who I am. But I wanted to say it.

When I was in college, my boyfriend of 3 years was killed by a drunk driver. It was only 3 years. It was nothing like one third or two thirds of my life. Not even close. But I think the FEELINGS are similar and the sense of being lost, maybe. I'm not trying to say I know what you're going through. I don't. But I know what *I* felt like at the time. And it sucked. The best piece of advice I got, which sounds laughable maybe to someone else, was "to breathe in, and then breathe out, and then see if maybe you can do it again".

Karen is a part of you and her presence helped make you the person you are today and that's not going away. And it shouldn't. And nobody should expect or want it to.
I want to wish you and Carol much happiness together.