Forget About It

Lou and I had some wonderful long talks while we were on vacation. One of the things we talked about turned into a New Year's resolution for me: to change my attitude so that I no longer think about myself as a sick person.

Okay, some of you are thinking, "But, Karen, you are such a sick person."  Yes, I know, but that is not what I mean.

Here is what I mean:

• When we start talking about a fabulous trip somewhere next spring to celebrate my parents amazing 50th wedding anniversary and I secretly worry if I will be okay to travel or if I will be on chemo again. What I need to do is just plan the trip and assume that I will be fine. If I am not fine, we'll deal with it then -- that is what cancellation policies are for. No reason to worry about it.

• I still have not started going back to the YMCA to work out. I know I should be working out because I will feel a lot better, have more energy, and get rid of this stiffness. Being sick gives me permission to be lazy! During chemo, when my immune system was really compromised, it would not have been a good idea to go to the YMCA and be amongst people and their germs. But I am not on chemo now. I actually feel pretty good! I still have to get eight hours of sleep, and I am struggling with swollen ankles every day, but those are minor problems.

I am not suggesting that I can completely forget about having cancer. I do have doctor appointments. I am still practically bald. And five days a week, I still have to take refridgerated clinical trial pills in the middle of a four-hour block of time during which I consume only water. (Trust me, that does not happen naturally.) But I am always happy when I take the pills. I still feel a little thrill of luck and triumph because I am sure that these are the real drug, not the sugar pill.

I just need to keep reminding myself how good I feel. And I need to drag myself to the YMCA.