Happy Birthday Karen

Today, March 27, Karen would have been 48 years old.

It has been 7 and a half months since Karen's passing.  I still miss her so very much.  After 20 years of marriage - two thirds of my adult life - I am without memories that do not include Karen.  How does one converse without mentioning a diseased spouse when that spouse occupied so much of one's life.  I find myself trying not to use her name when speaking of past events.  Then I wonder why I bother.  This is very strange.  In a way I think I should stop using her name in order for me to finish the recovery process.  In another way, I don't want to stop using her name because she filled me with joy and happiness.  Who can ever forget that smile, laugh, and witty humor.

I realized last fall that I will never forget Karen.  She will never leave my thoughts.  We had such a wonderful marriage that there is no way I can ever stop thinking of her.

I am struggling to look forward when so much of my past is now gone.  My wonderful wife, pets we loved, and activities we did together are all gone.  All I have are hollow memories.  Karen is gone.  Long time friends are far away.  Even friends of many years have terminated their friendship.  This is odd when you need your friends more now than ever.  Well, guess that says something about who they are.

So I sit here today struggling to look forward with my new bride.  Yes I have remarried to a wonderful loving lady.  Carol and I got married on a cruise ship on Tuesday February 26, 2013.  I look forward to many happy years together as I reconcile the past.

Happy birthday Karen.  I will always think of you.

7 stages of grief...

Just for the heck of it, I decided to read the 7 steps of grief.  Very interesting and very different from what I have experienced.  One comment from below is 100%, “Outsiders do not understand”.  Then again, how could they.  It is said the only thing worse than the loss of a close spouse is the loss of a child.  It is also said the loss of a loving devoted spouse is a close 2^nd.  Regardless, here is how I  have experienced the 7 steps.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL: Given my logical mind set and Karen’s long fight with cancer, I never experienced this.  Possibly also because I held her hand as she passed away.

2. PAIN & GUILT:

Over the first few weeks, I definitely experienced the suffering of unbelievable pain.  I was surprised at the level of excruciating and almost unbearable physical as well as emotional pain.  I do not think I experienced guilt.  However I did think about things we never got done together and wish we could had.  IE: trips to Ireland and Bermuda.  But I am comfortable in the wonderful life we lead and the many trips we traveled together.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING:

Today I find myself here.  I am definitely one pissed off dude.  I am not a man of faith or believe in a god and all that none sense.  So I have no one to bargain with or scream at.  But it does piss me off someone so wonderful suffered for so long and was taken from me.  It does tick me off that Karen’s best friend from college has not had the courage to talk to me about my loss.  Apparently as Karen suspected this person is mentally ill as the rest of her family is and thus cannot cope.  Yet it is I who has lost my wife.  It is this college friend that knows what it is like given she lost her spouse nearly 3 years ago.  Yet, not a single phone call.   Life truly does suck sometimes.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS:

Not fully there yet.  I do experience loneliness on a daily basis.  How could I not given there is no one in my life.  There is no one to say good morning to.  No one to say how was your day.  No one to plan vacations, days, or life with.  I definitely reflect on the past 20 years.  What I did right, what I did wrong, and what I will do differently in the future.

As for depression, I’m not there and don’t plan to go there.   Possibly because I know this can happen.  I have been keeping myself very busy with friends.  I am very relieved to have such wonderful and supportive friends.  Thanks all.

5. THE UPWARD TURN:

Not there yet.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH:

I think I’ve already done this one.  Given I have no children, siblings, or parents, I find it necessary to occupy my time with something.  Otherwise my mind is filled with thoughts of Karen, etc.  So I have been working through the to do list including financials, etc. 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE:

In many ways I find myself here.  I ponder how I am going to live the rest of my life.  I know I do not want to go through life alone.  I know I will eventually want to fill my life with another loving wife.  I am pondering the qualities and characteristics I will search for in future prospective spouse.  But I am also careful not to jump the gun and move to quickly.  I will give myself a few months to outline my game plan.  But I will not waste years of my life in solitude wasting away my life in grief.  It is not what I want or what Karen told me she wanted for me.  We both told each other to move on and not waste our lives.  As we know, we have very limited time on earth.

 

Lou Ross

www.rossranch.com

One Month Ago...

One month ago today the world I lived in was destroyed.  On August 15, 2012 at 11:15 pm ET the love of my life for 20+ years was taken from me.  Even though the battle lasted nearly 6 years, there is no way to describe the feeling when you love passes on.  No other loss that I have experienced - even the loss of my mother from cancer – can match the emptiness I feel every day.  There is no way one can describe the physical and emotional pain at the loss of such a wonderful and loving wife. 

Today I love and am frightened by our home.  The home we have is beautiful and in a wonderful neighborhood.  But it is the house we created.  Now half of that we is gone.  I dread coming home after an evening out with friends because there is nothing but silence to greet me.  I search and call out for my better half but know one responds.  This is the home we created and I do love it and can’t imagine ever moving.  But where is my better half.

I find myself trying to move forward because that is what Karen and I promised for each other.  But damn it to hell it is so painful.  I know that down the road I will need to consider the idea of dating.  For now, that is long long time away.  I can’t imagine dating as I feel that would violate my vows.  But I know eventually I will have to because that is what I must do and it is what Karen wants for me.  For now, it seems like infidelity.

One Month Ago….

Lou

www.rossranch.com

It Is Over

Karen Granger Ross passed away this morning on August 16 @ 12:59 am.  Karen died peacefully in her sleep.  She went into a deep sleep around 10 am on August 15.  She never so much as moved a finger since that time.

I will miss my love of over 20 years.  I can’t express how lonely I feel right now.  I hurt so much and yet I must keep going for that is what Karen wanted.

Goodbye my love.

Lou Ross

www.rossranch.com

None Responsive

Today Karen went to sleep around 10 am.  She has not woken up since then.  We are unable to wake her up.  The hospice nurse said not to try to wake her up to administer medication.  If she shows signs of pain, then administer the liquid morpheme.  But at this point, pills cannot be administered.  The nurse said Karen is probably in her comfort zone and may not need any more morpheme.

The difficult part for me is the grunt Karen utters when she exhales.  It is very difficult to listen to.  Karen’s breathing continues to become more labored.

I will need to take a sleeping pill tonight otherwise I will have no sleep.

Lou Ross

www.rossranch.com

20th wedding anniversary

Today is our 20th wedding anniversary.  Karen and I have a wonderful life together.  Given the circumstances, I would love to be able to jump into a time machine and go back to that apartment in Kirkland, WA when we started out our life in 1992.  What a great life we had even though we had no money.  We just didn’t realize how wonderful it was.

We are celebrating our anniversary with Karen still in a hospital bed, on oxygen, etc.  She has very few moments of comprehension.  Most of the time she speaks in gibberish.  It is difficult to determine what she needs and/or wants.  She frequently moans, gasps, or grunts.  What a way to spend a 20th wedding anniversary.

I am holding it together because I have to.  Yes I continue to eat right, exercise, and not abuse substances.  Sleep on the other hand is very difficult.  I go to bed around 8 pm and craw out of bed around 6 am.  That may seem like a lot of sleep, but the reality is I get up every couple of hours to give Karen liquid morpheme.  At various times throughout the day and night I need to give Karen morpheme pills and anxiety medication.  In addition frequent checks on Karen to see if she needs water or other forms of comforting.  So in actuality I’m getting 5 to 6 hours of shallow interrupted sleep.  I’ll take what I can get.  It is difficult to get deep sleep when I am hearing moans, gasps, and grunts from my beloved wife.  It is even harder to shut off the mind when you are waiting for the last breath.

I try to work as much as I can to help distract my mind.  But it is difficult not to think about the end that is coming.

Happy 20th wedding anniversary to us.

Lou Ross

www.rossranch.com

Hospital Bed

This is Karen’s husband Lou. 

A hospital bed has been ordered for Karen.  Should arrive today.  Karen is much weaker and cannot get out of bed.  It is a good thing her parents are here to help.  This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.  I’ll take a hip surgery and time.

I suggest you no longer leave comments on this blog.  Karen is not reading them often if at all.  I won’t read them as I have other locations to read.  If you want me to relay a comment to Karen, please go to our personal website at

http://www.rossranch.com/

Leave a comment in the guest book.

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers, and good thoughts.

Also, if you have not, please visit Karen’s honor page at the American Cancer Society and if you would, please leave a donation.  The address is:

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/KarenGrangerRoss

I will try to update this blog until the end.

Thank.

Bedridden

Sorry it took me so long to update here.

I am spending almost all my time in bed, asleep.

All my work friends lunches are already cancelled.

My hour visits are being cancelled.

All my weekend visits are being cancelled.


However, I have a backlog of lovely cheery photos to post here. Hope to do it ASAP.

Love you,
Karen


Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

Watching Olympics on DVR

I woke up at 3:00am feeling okay.

I stayed in bed for an hour and a half, but now I have been up for an hour watching yesterday's Olympics with Lou.

Right away, I had a bite of coffee ice cream. Nice way to start the day after not eating hardly nothing for a week.

Lou made me an egg, and I ate half. Waiting to see if I barf.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

Test Post

Am I still having trouble posting from my phone?

Karen


Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

Feeling Better

Today I made progress and feel better.

Rough day though. Lots of stuff for my parents to help with. Don't want to be more detailed than that.

Also met and really liked Lawanda my aide. Helped me bathe. Oh how the mighty have fallen hee hee hee!

Watched about an hour of Olympics tonight with Lou.

Because I am unable to post from my phone I am using Lou's.

So if you want to see updates from me then you should scan the comments for the current post. I have no trouble with making comments from my phone.

Sent from Lou's Android phone.

Three Bad Days

Just wanted to get it out there that since Saturday afternoon, I have been miserable with nausea and stomach pain.

My friend Marguerite helped on Saturday, and today hospice nurse Judy set up new meds.

Hard to talk on phone when so miserable. Texts are easier.

Parents are here and Patsy babysat this aft.

Lou,
Sent from my Android phone.

Testing

This is a test to see if we can post from Lou's phone.

Lou,
Sent from my Android phone.

Used the Walker for Saturday Lunch Outing

Sue and Irv took us out to lunch on Saturday.

Originally, we were planning to try Irregardless Cafe in Raleigh. Although we've seen many rave reviews, neither Lou nor I had ever been. Sue and Irv have been and have enjoyed it.

But at the last minute, we changed the plan. Because it's a brunch, it might be a buffet, and that would have been impossible with the walker. (I have been awfully unsteady on my feet for the last few days. Thank God, weeks ago, Gerry lent us Joe's walker; it's a godsend.)

We went to Tripps instead.

Lunch was excellent. Conversation was excellent. And, although we made a flood of special demands, our waitress was excellent.

When I say the conversation was excellent, I mean so engrossing that our waitress found it near impossible to interrupt Lou and Irv when she returned with additional questions.

Editors Visit

On Thursday afternoon, my friends and editors, Tate and and Kathy, visited me. We had such a nice time! Tate brought gourmet peanutbutter dog cookies for Miss Bailey, who spent the visit hiding in the bedroom with Lou.

Here they are, pictured from left to right, Kathy and Tate.

It was especially funny to be receiving a visit from my editors who must "bless" the contents of my books before they can be published --- on the same day when I receive forgiveness for all my sins.

(I know which one is more important, but you've got to find the funny bits whereever you can.)

Anointing of the Sick

On Thursday morning, I received one of the Holy Sacraments, the Anointing of the Sick.

My hospice team found me Father David of St. Mary's. He was wonderful. I told him a little part of my story. I cried a little.

(Earlier that morning, as I reflected on what my expectations were for this appointment with Father, I realized that I was nervous! I decided not to be nervous. Instead, I would just follow Father's directions and let my heart and head both get whatever they needed.)

Father David explained the sacrament. What I took away was that the Holy Spirit would bring me strength and peace from Jesus, and absolution from God for all my sins.

I was very happy to be receiving total forgiveness for all my sins.

During the actual anointing process, tears streamed down my face. It was really a lovely experience. Then I received Holy Communion.

Of course, we sat in the sunroom. Talk about starting a room off right! Two sacraments in one day.

I mentioned to Father David that the room was being re-decorated and would be finished at the end of August. I got to articulate that my excitement was happiness in knowing that Lou will use this room for years and years, in maximum comfort and style, for conversations with friends, quiet contemplation of the different views of the golf course, reading books, and whatever else he comes up with...

Sofa, Rug, Lamp, Cheerfulness

Loveseat

Lasagna and New Furniture

[This was written at noon but technical difficulties delayed the actual posting.]

Today most of the sunroom furniture arrives!

Our designer, Celeste, has been here for almost an hour and a half, waiting for the moving truck. We have been chatting. Celeste also took the opportunity to walk around downstairs, looking for wall art to steal from other rooms and hang in the sunroom today. I am surprised that she found a metal-framed poster of a wheel-barrow filled with flowers. She and Lou think it will go great.

I AM SO EXCITED

But I ran out of steam and went to bed. I'll get up once everything arrives.

So, where does lasagna fit into the story? Tonight Darlene and Chaz are bringing us lasagna and the pleasure of their company for dinner. They'll be the first to see the new furniture.

We just need to keep the lasagna away from the sofa. No testing how much saucy pasta a Chinet plate can handle when held precariously over new uphoulstery...

Fantastic Lunch

I have been fast asleep since returning home from my lunch out with 24 of the best colleagues and friends a person could hope for.

In this picture, Anya was trying to get people to raise their arms to show off their Team Karen bracelets.

At one point, I told them that of course they were happy to see me because for once they were guaranteed that I did not have a list of questions for them to answer! Or "just a few" pages of text for them to review!


(The crazy pouring rain, thunder, and chirping uninterruptible power supply (UPS) boxes just  woke me up, but I expect to have no trouble falling back to sleep. The power is out!)


Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone